There are certain moments when I feel as if I have tasted air for the first time, when my whole body exhales.  There are certain people who regularly make me breathe, and I’m so thankful to God for putting them in my life.  Is it too dramatic to say that without them I would suffocate?  Because that’s how I feel.

Hay ciertos momentos cuando me siento como he probado el oxígeno por la primera vez, cuando todo mi cuerpo espira.  Hay ciertas personas que me hacen respirar y le doy todo mi gracias al Señor por ponerlas en mi vida.  ¿Es demasiado dramático decir que me asfixian sin ellos?  Porque así es como me siento.    

(Because I’m in Spanish mode today.  There’s just so much beauty in language…way too much beauty for me to confine these words to only one language.)

Lord, thanks so much for Gloria.  Thanks for Erika.  Thanks for Megan.  Thanks for Janie.  Thanks for Anna W.  Thanks for Anna V.  Thanks for all that You are.  Thanks for all that You do.  Thanks for breathing into me, for sustaining me, for bringing these people into my life, and for shining through them.  Thanks for that fact that Your strength and Your power are made evident in my weakness.  Thanks for holding me up when I just can’t seem to stand.  Thanks for rejoicing with me.  Thanks for grieving with me.  Thanks for life and breath and for the promise that You are with me always.   

Were the whole realm of nature mine, that’d be an offering far too small.  Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.

Praise Jehovah Nissi, the Lord my Banner, my source of hope, joy, strength, and encouragement.  

Title: Dispensers of Grace

Author: Elisabeth Elliot

Each Christian is a dispenser. God has supplied each one with gifts He has selected (He does not offer an array of options), with the good of all in mind. When we imagine that these gifts are for our own mere satisfaction, we are forgetting they are intended for service. All that I have is meant to contribute to the needs of others, and what I need will be supplied through God’s dispensers. Thus He unifies and harmonizes the whole church, which is his body, making each dispenser indispensable, for each dispenses a grace which is peculiarly his.

“Serve one another with the particular gifts God has given each of you, as faithful dispensers of the magnificently varied grace of God” (l Pt 4:10 NEB).

Today I choose joy (the underlying state of being, not just the emotion…I’ve been learning that this is an important distinction).  I choose to praise the Lord and rejoice in Him and all that He has done for me, all that He does for me daily.  Today I refuse to ruminate on the hurt, to pet the heartache.  This is the day the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.  Lord, give me Your strength, Your peace, and Your joy today.  I can’t live this day—or any other, for that matter—without Your Spirit.  Oh, by the way, thank You so much for sending Your Spirit to Your people.  Jesus said that the Father would send the Spirit to His people after Jesus left the earth and that this Holy Spirit would be our Counselor who would live in each of us.  Because of the Counselor (the name itself is beautiful because of all that it means to have a divine Counselor living in my own body), we are never alone.  So in those days and nights when I feel so incredibly lonely, the Holy Spirit is my company.  Spirit, I know that I don’t thank You enough, but I just wanted to say that I am so thankful for Your constant presence.  Thank You for being there for me when I feel like everything’s going downhill, when I feel like everything’s going wonderfully and every moment in between.  There’s so much that I don’t understand about You and about this world, but I am grateful for the simple, yet profoundly beautiful truth that You are constant and that You won’t ever leave me.  I love You, and today I live in You.  I ask that You would move in me today…teach me, convict me, lead me, guide me, and may Your fruits be evident in my life.  Holy Spirit, I pray that today I would be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, and self-controlling…all in Your strength.  Be near today, please.  Be near.       

Come down to the river 
Come and let yourself in 
Make good on a promise 
To never hurt again 
If you’re lost and lonely 
You’re Broken down 
Bring all of your troubles 
Come lay ‘em down 

All you sinners 
And the weak at heart 
All you helpless 
On the boulevards 
Wherever you are now 
Whatever evil you’ve found 
Bring all of your troubles 
And come lay ‘em down 
We’re all tied to the same old failing 
Finding shelter in things we know 
We’re all dirty like corrupted small towns 
We’ll bring our troubles 
We’ll bring our troubles 
Lay ‘em down 

All you rich men 
And the high above 
All of those with and without love 
All you burdened broken down 
Bring all of your troubles 
Come lay ‘em down 

Come lay ‘em down [x4] 

Come all you broken [Come lay ‘em down] 
Come all you helpless [Come lay ‘em down] 
Bring all your burden [Come lay ‘em down] 
And just lay ‘em down [Come lay ‘em down] 

Come all you broken [Come lay ‘em down] 
Come all you helpless [Come lay ‘em down] 
Bring all your troubles [Come lay ‘em down] 
Just lay ‘em down 

Come lay ‘em down [x3]

Lord God, this is difficult.  May I speak Your words.  May I love with Your love.  May I think thoughts that glorify You.  I’m struggling right now; I’m really struggling.  I know that, on my own, I can’t be good and kind and loving.  All that is good within me is You, and I just ask…Lord, I implore…that You would fill me and make me more like You.  I can’t do this without You.

Tears roll gently down my face.

I lick my lips for the salty taste. 

Reveling in deep, deep grace,

There are no words for this.

And I don’t know what to say

To properly convey

The lines of this earth, the lines of Your face.

I am small and unsure, but more and more I learn

there are no words for this. 

    I’m so humbled.  The entire way home I couldn’t think anything but, “Thank you, God,” over and over and over again.  God is such an amazing provider, and He has placed people in my life who never cease to astound me, to challenge me.  We talked about our high points and our low points of the semester at the kick-off meeting for the summer book study at the Richardsons’ house, and it was amazing to hear about what my friends—my brothers and sisters in Christ—have been through this year and how God has been present in their lives.  Gloria said I was her high point of this year, and I’m pretty sure that I turned completely red…oh the joys of being a redhead and blushing so noticeably and so uncontrollably.  Our friendship is something that I love and cherish in ways that words are inadequate to describe.  It’s so beautiful, and I’m glad that we’re on the same page.    

      Thank you, Lord, for bringing all of my friends into my life.  And a very special thanks, Lord, for Gloria because she’s probably the best friend I have ever had in my entire life.  I wonder what You were thinking when You made each of us…were You thinking about how I would become friends with all of these people?  Were You thinking about how Your love would be so apparent and so present in our friendships?  Lord, Abba, I love You, and I love the fact that I see You in the people I love most in this world.  Father, help me to love You more and more—even more than these beautiful, wonderful people You have given me—because the only way that I will learn to better love my friends and my family is to love You more and more.  Oh, Abba.  Just thank You.      

Oh my goodness, Castle.  Oh. my. goodness.

A random, scattered, and partial memory of my undergraduate graduation ceremony at the University of Michigan.

      Yesterday (April 28th, 2012) I graduated from the University of Michigan Ann Arbor.  I am now a Michigan Alumnus.  Everything seems so surreal right now, and I’m just trying to mentally de-brief everything.

      Never will I forget sitting in the Big House underneath an overcast sky in a sea of black gowns, black caps, and shining smiles.  For the first five or ten minutes of the ceremony I sat there staring at the sky and praying.  I couldn’t help but repeat the words, “God, all of this is to Your glory.  All of this is because of You.  All of this is for You,” and then, so overwhelmed with the presence and love of Christ, all I could manage to think, to say, was, “Glory to God.”  Over and over.  I even had to whisper the words a few times because they were flooding my soul and washing over my heart.  Even now, as I write this post, the Spirit is so present and so beautiful.  

      I am amazed by the ways in which God works in my life.  I’m sure that when I get frustrated because I’m so near-sighted in life, He’s up in Heaven shaking His head and smiling because He already knows the big picture and how my life will come full circle.  At graduation on Saturday we listened to several speeches given by amazing and intelligent speakers (the provost, Mary Sue, student speaker Julia Brennan [Brennan, as in Bones…perfect!], and Dr. Sanjay Gupta [CNN Chief Medical Correspondent and Neurosurgeon]).  The provost was one of the first to speak, and he asked us to meditate on the word “gumption”—what it means, what it looks like, where it is found.  God must have been smiling during that moment because my high school career ended with the word “gumption” and then, coming full circle, my undergraduate career came to a close with the same word.  Senior year of high school, Ms. Fox (one of the most amazing people and most influential teachers ever) gave me a card that I will never forget.  She said that I “have more gumption in my big toe than most people have in their entire bodies.”  I had no clue what the word “gumption” meant at that time, and it’s taken me four years to construct a shell of a definition.  I’m beginning to understand what it means to possess gumption, to live with gumption.  It’s beautiful how God has so carefully, so intricately woven this life, around itself and around the lives of others.  So beautiful, so glorious.  Lord, may I continue to live with gumption and with courage, glorifying You all along the way.  May I live boldly and humbly with You as my entire purpose.  

Mary Sue’s Speech

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAkivRx0FEE&feature=relmfu

Julian Brennan’s Speech

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu3dgAlrHYg&feature=relmfu

Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s Speech

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIYLxLpYYn8&feature=relmfu

      So what does it mean to be a champion?  What does it take to be the leaders and best?  They are people who learn from their mistakes.  I guarantee you they are not people who don’t make them.  Infallibility is not a virtue.  They are not people who always know the right answers, but they are people who know how to ask the right questions and are never embarrassed to do so.  They never shy away from obstacles, and, instead, show tremendous resilience in the face of these barriers with the full recognition that we soar highest only when truly challenged.

… 

      I started asking myself a question many years ago at a time when I was covering a war in a far away land.  It was in the middle of the Shamaal sand storm in Iraq, and it was a day when we could not see our hands in front of our face.  It was a day when we lost all of our air-protective cover.  It was a day that suddenly turned into night.  And I still remember this young lieutenant came running into our dusty desert tent.  ”We are being overrun.”  I still hear his voice in my head, and I still hear those shots that were so close.  People started writing letters; they started writing notes, anything to be remembered in case they died, and I was told to do the same thing.  ”Write the letter.  Put it all down on paper.  Make it count.”  So I ask you, graduates, right now could you write the letter?  To whom would you write?  What would you say?  Summarize your life in a few short moments near its end… Make sure you can write this sentence: I am who I always wanted to be.  

      Remember what is was that made you happy before everyone else tried to define it for you.  You know what makes your heart swell.  You know what makes your breath catch in your throat.  You know what makes your chest tighten with anticipation.  Go get that, graduates.  You deserve that.  

…

      Also, graduates, after today, lesson #9: wake up with a sense of purpose…Wake up with a plan, a plan to contribute something to society; it may be big, it may be small, but make it count.  And plan to be a better person today…to be better than yesterday…Also, after today, graduates, ikigui will also mean being a better friend.  Today many of you will have to say goodbye…you don’t get this time back.  It’s gone.  But the friends who shared this journey with you are still there, even though you won’t get to see them every day.

      The final lesson then, graduates of 2012, lesson # 10: of the few touch-zones that you hold close to your heart, place life-long friendships right there at the very top.  Appreciate these friendships; nurture them.  Make them grow, and realize that, as you get older, these friendships will become some of the most valuable things you have in your life.  Fly around the world, graduates, for the weddings of your friends, be there for the births of their children, and always answer the call in their times of need.  

Well said, sir.  Well said.  Which got me thinking about what I would write.  I thought about my family; I remembered how much they love me, how much they support me, how much they look after me.  And then I thought about the friends who sat on either side of me and how much they mean to me.  I know that I’ve been writing quite a bit about my friends lately, but I can’t even begin to describe how amazingly blessed I am to have them in my life.  I’ve been thinking about how God has put these amazing people in my life, and I can’t help but tell you again [and again and again] how amazing they are.  Ever since I can remember I’ve always been afraid that I would die (or that they would pass away) before I got to tell the people around me how much I love and appreciate them.  So now I’m gonna take that chance to write just a couple of things down (and this list is NO WHERE NEAR comprehensive…and please forgive the brevity of the latter notes because it’s getting very late and I am exhausted).  

Mom: I love you.  I love you, and you. are. a. good. mom.  Don’t forget that.  Life is hard, but you’ve taken such great care of us, and I have never felt anything but love and support from you.   

Gloria: I love you so so much, my friend.  You are a God-sent, an overwhelming blessing.  I was just thinking about you because you just called to make sure my mom is alright after I took her to urgent care today.  You called.  And you said you wanted to make sure I was doing alright.  You are a true friend, and it reduces me to tears to think about how lucky I am to have a friend and an other-half whose heart is as astoundingly beautiful and genuine as yours.  I’m so thankful that I have you to talk things over with and to just joke around and be myself.  I love that we encourage each other in faith and in all situations of life.  I don’t know what I would do without my other half.  I love you so much.

Erika:  I just read your letter today, and it made me laugh just as much as it made me cry.  It was truly beautiful.  Thank you so much for doing that for me; it was such a blessing.  I’m thankful that we’re here for each other to remind one another that we don’t have to be confined to our shells and our walls…that we can break out and be ourselves.  I wouldn’t be the same person if I had never met you.  Simply being your best friend has molded me into a better person, into a better friend, and into a better follower of Christ.  Thank you so much.  I love you so much.   

Josh: I don’t think I’ve ever actually told you this, but your heart astounds me.  We talked in your room the other day for 45 minutes about random things, everything, and anything.  We joked and we talked about serious things.  It’s really difficult for me to carry on conversations like that with just anyone, and I consider myself so blessed to have you as a friend because it is during conversations like that one when I see your heart for your family, for your friends, for everyone around you, and for God.  You have inspired me and encouraged me in ways that words just won’t suffice to properly describe.  God is so alive in you, oh man.  I see Christ in you all of the time.  I love you so much, my friend.  P.S. Thanks for bringing me to Challenge in the first place.  And thanks for being so persistent when I said, “No.”  You are an amazing friend and an amazing man.

Joel: Oh, friend.  It’s really difficult to try to confine our friendship and all that I appreciate about you to a few sentences, and I most certainly will fail to do so in this post.  Throughout the few years we’ve been friends I’ve seen your heart, your faith, your courage, and your faithfulness.  You have challenged me in my faith and have made me see so many things in a new light.  You have touched my life in ways almost unimaginable, and I’m so thankful to know you.  I think it’s really funny that it took us a year and a half before we even started making small talk because now I don’t know what I would do without you.  You have been such a kind and wonderful friend to me.  Our friendship has spanned all sorts of topics and situations (from wagons full of dishes to filthy nasty degrees to zebras & crocs and so much more), and you have had such an impact on my life…you have made an improvement on my life by being a friend who’s always there for me to say a prayer, to listen, to sit in silence, to laugh, to comfort, to encourage.  I love you so much, friend.

Megan & Janie: You two are so alike, but your difference also highlight the strengths in one another and compliment the weaknesses.  You have taught me what friendship looks like and have encouraged me to strive for better, closer, more honest, and more vulnerable relationships.  I have seen your hearts, and I am constantly blown away by how much you care for each other, for your families, for your friends, and for people you don’t even know.  Janie, the faithfulness with which you pray for your brother Stefan.  Megan, the fervor with which you pray for Rachel, your mom, your grandpa, and the rest of your family.  It’s so beautiful and so inspiring to see how each of you live your lives and how you allow God to work in you.  I love you both so much (and I’m super excited to live with you guys this summer :) ).

Jessie: What amazes me about you, friend, is your passion…for Christ, for others.  It’s amazing.  I love the fact that you act the same with every group of friends and that you are so true to who you are in Christ.  I really admire you for this.  And you have this breadth of knowledge and wisdom that so often blows me away; I love listening to you whenever we get to talk.  I love your honesty and your compassion and your joy…a pure joy.   

For today, goodbye. For tomorrow, good luck. And forever, Go Blue!